Centro Studi Pallai
Notes On An Almost 50-Year Marriage
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“I knew couples who had been married forever — tending each other’s illnesses, dealing with money troubles or the daughter’s suicide or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it make no difference whether they’d married the right person. You’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with her, put in half a century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself, and she’s become the right person, or the only person. I wish someone had told me that earlier; I’d have hung on then.”
-Anne Tyler
1. Learn how to support yourself.
Your partner can give you the love that can lift you up in supporting yourself, but they can’t give you self-worth.
2. You don’t have to like each other’s work.
Yes, you have to listen about their work, give feedback at times, support them in their endeavors. But you don’t have to understand, relate, or be into what they do. You love them for them, not their work.
3. Realize that your insecurities manifest in your life, and therefore in your marriage.
Whatever bad things you think will happen, will eventually. If you believe your partner will leave you for someone else, they will. If you think they’ll care more about their work than hanging out with the kids, they will. Conversely, if you believe they have the capability to be everything you are looking for and more, they will.
Keep your eyes peeled, for that bumper sticker that tells you exactly what you need to hear, or the lightning that flashes as the fireflies flicker as the magic transfers into your finger tips.
5. Love each other for who you are instead of what you do.
One day, you may choose to be a dentist. Maybe some one really likes the idea of being a dentist, and they themselves couldn’t be one because money got in the way, or they were supposed to be a foot doctor instead, and so instead they stared longingly across the room as the dental assistant cleaned their teeth, knowing the dentist would come check on their work, soon.
When they had the chance to be with a dentist – you – that’s all they could see: love, love, love. And so all is good and well until that day you decide that staring into people’s mouths, with their bad breath and need of a root canal and way too much tartar buildup, isn’t something you don’t want to do anymore. Suddenly, they – your partner – is crushed. YOU were not who they loved, what you DID is what they loved. Fall in love with the person, not the thing.
6. Recognize your blocks.
“I can’t see it,” I said. “I just go so back and forth, always, always.”
“Why?” they asked.
“I think my intuition is telling me one thing, but then it seems it is telling me the opposite. I just want to get clear.”
“What’s your fear?” they asked.
“Loss. Trust. Loss and trust.”
“What you think is your intuition is your ego, sabotaging you. It will try many times to do that, to tell you what is right is wrong, and what is wrong is right. It’s trying to protect you from something that you don’t need to be protected from, because in reality, it will push that something away from you. Stare your fear straight in the eye and admit it to your partner. See what that does to ease it. If your partner doesn’t understand, it doesn’t matter, because only you can make yourself feel full, feel trustful, feel trusted.”